Being an atheist I was totally shocked when God Himself
spoke to me this week!
"God, is that really you?!" I said in amazement as I sat playing my ukulele on the balcony of our apartment on the 25th floor.
"Yes, it is I, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost," He spoke deeply,"and I command you to do something for Me."
"Why me? I'm an atheist."
"Exactly, that's what will make this all the more believable to my children, for they know that atheists don't talk bull**** about Me, The Lord."
"Okay, so like what do You want me to do for You, Lord?"
"Right, that's the Spirit!" He said gleefully.
"I want you to tell the world that Duterte, that son of a *****, is full of ****. I never spoke to him on that airplane. Furthermore, I think he's a real asshole for his ex-judicial slaughter of suspected drug users and dealers."
"But God," I said fearfully, "those drug dealers really are bad; they hurt people."
"Yes, they are, but it's up to Me to decide who lives and who dies, who joins Me in Heaven and who goes to Hell. The least Duterte should do is give these folks due process of the law."
He went on to add, "If Duterte, that bastard, thinks he's so tough, he should focus on eliminating the terrible poverty in the Philippines. But nooooooooooo, that coward, he sends his minions to murder poor addicts, people who need medical help, not bullets!"
"But, but..." I quivered.
"Enough! Go tell the world of My message. And if you don't, I'll create a devastating earthquake under your apartment building and kill you and everyone in it, so help Me, Me!"
Just then a string broke on my ukulele, and I had the fear of God Himself upon me. And so now I'm telling you His message. If you don't like it, I suggest you take it up with Him.